Who am I
If I don’t know who doesIf I allowed myself to believe ~ to let go of my fear
perhaps I’d receive answer
That God knows who I am
I Say God knows
I say it often ~ because I truly don’t know and Truth is
If God did once know
I think he lost track with me long long ago
cause I’ve been so many many names
and
with those names comes a person
me
As I grew up so did the many names
as quick as they were born they died
I had burials for them all
Bonnie Billy Jean and May Rae for awhile
Star Bright Star Crash and then Fall
When I was small my first name given was Little Bitch
as I grew older It became just Bitch then Bloody Bitch
Then Slut Crazy Dumb Stupid Bitch
Until one day the names just all blurred into one
I started making up my own names
The names you read above
Names of stars
Names Id heard from movies and such
Names of persons I’d try to be
Hoping that if I took a little from all of these stars
some of their shine would perhaps rub off on me
maybe
maybe for awhile I could be Star or Bonnie Billy Jean
for a while not be blamed nor shamed
Now in between my names and with their names a lot of time has past
much and many and most things happened to me ~ all of me ~ included each and every name
much and many and most things I don’t remember and much and many and most things I can remember
then things suddenly became a blur
I would often find myself ‘
just staring into the night sky
wishing praying asking begging who am I
thinking If I had a name
My own very own name
one that didn’t cause any blame any shame
I might be able to be free
find me ~ find who I am
just be me
so the only stars I allowed myself to name
are those I can truly seeI had read somewhere that we were created from stars
and knew that I was born of the star sign cancer
One winter night as I stared up to the skies
I asked God
I asked the Universe ~ Who am I
Through a telescope
I looked to the stars of the heavens that night
And saw for myself the most wonderous sight
between Gemini and Leo is the mid winter constellation Cancer
amongst all the stars in the deep of the dark
I was staring at the Beehive Cluster
Praesepe I whispered
The Manger The Crib
A tear I have held for years inside the rubble of me
fell and broke inside an explosion of emotions
I had always wondered about my very last name
not one I’d made
but was a given by someone who was kind to me
Beez
She had told me the story of the bees cluster
taught me the names of real stars
had shown me I existed through her eye of the night
the telescope
Why I’d never thought such a name could be me
as I had wondered back long ago why the people who parented me
wanted to be my parents ~ came up with names only of blame and shame
all I know is since I’ve been beez
I have not been blamed and shamed
I am happy
just to be
me
I didn’t need a God
The universe was there looking over me
n my name was there all the time